Old People, Angry and Confused, Moving North

February 10, 2010 - Washington, DC

After what can only be described as a cataclysmic weather event this week, the Eastern seaboard of the United States is blanketed in a layer of snow up to 50” deep in places as far south as Virginia. Schools are closed, businesses shuttered, all non-essential government workers have been ordered to stay at home. Children are excited at the promise of a full week off from school, and the elderly are angry, very angry.

One Virginia resident, Dr. Eugene Fritzmueller was planning on going to Bingo Wednesday night. “Well look it out there,” said Dr. Fritzmueller, a one-time resident of upstate New York, “it looks like a goddamn bomb went off!” The streets around Dr. Fritzmueller’s neighborhood have been deserted since Saturday afternoon and the doorbell hasn’t rung at all, leaving Dr. Fritzmueller with no one to yell at to "get the hell off" his property.

Elsewhere, the confusion is even more apparent. Nancy Uekele doesn’t understand how all this snow could be possible and has decided that the Obama administration is at fault. “We never got snow like this when Bush was President, now look at it!” Mrs. Uekele, a resident of a Baltimore suburb plans to move to Vermont where she hopes she will find much less snow, and fewer of what she calls “whacky liberal bleeding-heart tree-hugging democrats.” Wait until she see’s what they’re doing in Vermont these days.

Mrs. Uekele is not the only one faulting current leaders for this unprecedented weather event. Several residents in Delaware have started a community action group to re-instate global warming. “Dem nincompoops over to Demmark really screwed the pooch on dis one,” said Darlene Jefferson of Newark, Delaware. “They spents all dat time and what-not trying to stop global warming and they done pushed things too far in the other diarection; now we freezing!”

The group, calling themselves “Delaware Residents Against This Shit” – or DRATS – has begun plans for a march on Capitol Hill during which they will be using tremendous quantities of aerosol sprays and other CFC containing pollutants in an effort to “warm shit back up.”

--Originally posted by Gary Brickman